A piece I submitted to the NAMI NJ Mental Health Poetry contest. The prompt was - what has prompted clarity for you in your recovery journey? Below is my response.

to be clear

my nights were often painted in swathes of darkness

and my mornings – filled with a melancholy that shrouded the light i so desperately sought

yet, it had been my only desire to ensure that they never saw through the weary smile i painted across my face each day

i knew that i had but one choice – to drown my soul in color until it ceased to be clear

so cacophonous became this palette of false bravado and hollow joy that to gaze upon it was to be mystified

to have the truth occluded until it no longer bore resemblance to reality

and all along, i trod with a heavy heart, longing for the downpour that might wash it all away

to have my wish granted was also to have my fears realized

and in the suffering, when my mind had long betrayed me, what had been smothered deep within me had finally become clear

the pervasive madness once sequestered beneath the surface could be contained no longer, and the world had finally seen my true colors as they bled in abundance from my fragile skin

each day, it laid siege to my being, to the hopes and dreams i clung to in the wake of sure defeat

and once every notion of promise and droplet of courage had been drained from me

i had no choice but to rise

i was stripped bare, left to start anew in a world that promised to be anything but clear

and yet, each step toward tomorrow revealed more of me, the pieces i had once been ashamed to carry

and before long, my spirit was forged in glass, resplendent and imbibed with the fortitude to allow peace in, and deflect dejection

so suddenly, i saw the beauty of clarity, the reason that what i had always wanted was to cast my burdens to the wind

to strip away the doubt, and reflect the brilliance i had once been too meek to share

i no longer wished to hide away beneath the violet of deception, nor succumb to the indigo of despair

like a tree that has shed its leafy greens

i had been laid bare, relieved of all my fear

left with but one choice in this new life granted me

to wake each day with the sole intention

to be clear